Dedication: I dedicate this writing to all animals, women, children who have been violated, brutalized or murdered by men.
The Abuser was someone I loved.
I will never forget
the look in her eyes
when he kicked her
the ugly brown shoe
smashing the domed
brown skull –
the daze – vacant
uncomprehending
falling to the floor
her eyes glazed
still find mine
“What did I do?”
Is death stalking us both
Will she die?
I scoop her in
my arms
and flee
slamming a door
to get away
from him –
my terror – her fright
a matrix of confusion
Is death stalking us both
Will she die?
I cannot comfort her
or me
shock waves
pass through this animal body
rocking her in my arms
keening,
I beg her for forgiveness.
Is death stalking us both
Will she die?
I scream into the silence
He will never
touch her again.
My thundering heart
replays the scene in my mind
how could he?
In seconds he shattered
the bond between us.
I believed.
I’ll never trust him again.
Is death stalking us both
will she die?
I cradle six
pounds of silky fur
and fragile bones
in equally fragile arms,
she growls
shaking convulsively
shivering with fear
tears of white anguish
fall on soft skin.
“I’m sorry
I didn’t protect you”
The fault was mine.
Is death stalking us both
Will she die?
Carved out of stone
raging with fury
I spit out words
a fiery forked tongue
“If you touch her again
I am gone”
Her life is my life…
(And this he doesn’t yet know)
“I would rather
you murder me than harm her
DO you understand?
don’t get near her again”
In a frenzy
Truths tumble incoherently
filling a dead room
(that moments ago seemed to be filled
with peace)
But the promise I make
to us both,
this dog I love
more than my life
is one
that I will not break,
this much I know.
Is death stalking us both
Will she die?
And meanwhile
concussions take time
To resolve – or not
I can’t wait
I must get her into the
Night, let her walk beside me
feel her body
moving against mine
let the air calm my
racing, rabid heart
let the stars return me
to the woman
I was before
I witnessed this threat
to her life.
Is death stalking us both
Will she die?
When I look up
at the stars
I see the Great Bear
circumnavigating the sky
feel Nature’s arms
close around me,
the only real comfort
I have ever known.
When I return to the house
she jumps up next to him – the man
who could have killed her
with a single blow –
circling back to her abuser.
I know, I once did this too.
Is there a concussion still waiting
to strike in the wings?
The Sphinx is silent.
My god I am sickened by the specter
of bullying, violence, abuse.
But I will not live with it.
This I know.
Working Notes:
Veterans Day Weekend 2017 – the weekend we celebrate having “almighty power over” at the cost of human lives.
Over The Edge and Beyond: Journal of a Naturalist 
I will say that reading your words made the bile rise in my throat. Sara, I have never witnessed abuse against an animal, only against children. Me. I was abused by my mother and her boyfriend and verbally abused by my maternal Grandfather. It left scars and inner disfigurement. Your post is painful to read and I can sense the hopelessness and guilt you felt. Guilt most of all. How often do we blame ourselves for being victims? And as the memory of the abuse fades, we still love the abuser. It’s a sick cycle but we are not to blame. The words are tumbling from my mind and hand because your post hit me inside. I’ll never understand people who abuse animals or children. And with disgust, I will tell you that I still love my mother. Although maybe that’s because she died 30 years ago and I can love what never was. Very glad we found one another. Your new friend, Patricia
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I am glad that we found each other… yes a legacy of abuse leads to a life peppered with guilt and shame. I am finally accepting at 73 that this pattern will not change. (my mother began the cycle – and I still love her today though she too has been dead for many years). We just do the best we can, and writing helps us survive – or it has me. Thank you for your heartfelt comment.
Sara
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