Suicidal Illumination

January 19, 2021 

 

Suicide.

I used to

despise the word

because

I lost you.

Drowning in guilt,

Parental shame –

I couldn’t help.

Before you died

 I scolded you

like our parents would.

No one was home

in me either.

Afterwards, I had no feeling

except for the night

a winter moon

 shone too bright

and I turned away

from her light.

You were there

 still hovering…

Needing me.

 Oh,

I felt the pull but fear

held me back.

Forgive me.

I forced you

 to go on alone.

My greatest life regret.

We could have said goodbye.

We loved each other so.

A lifetime has passed

since then –

For years I searched. 

 And even now

at 76 I long for

a young man I loved

more deeply than brother.

Kinship is forever.

You were the other half of me.

 Soul mate

doesn’t capture the story.

I combed the earth

 for a frog boy

who loved the forest

like we did.

Slept around for a while.

Got drunk to forget.

When the dead years

Cracked under a starry night –

one spring when frogs vaulted

  across wet roads

I leapt out to save them.

And a shattered mirror

reversed itself

became whole –

 in a vision

  that exploded

above my head.

The pain was gone!

I took to the forest

I had abandoned

 at your death.

You were there

in every tree, bee, brook

bird, rabbit, 

snake and deer –

I just couldn’t see you.

And somehow it

 didn’t matter,

at least for awhile.

  Your beloved raptors 

 circled above,

called my name

as you once did –

on Winged Feet, 

on Clouds of Air.

 Winged Flight.

I still have the medal.

The day I finally placed

 dry blue bones

in fragrant leaf wet ground

I wept tears for a lifetime

Alone –

 Your namesake refused

to dig a hollow

to contain your ashes

But by then I didn’t care.

I had already prepared

a space… called in the Sacred.

I welcomed you home.

Thirty – two years spent

in a stifling parental attic 

spun out of lies

 passed by into oblivion.

Your hawks 

kept watch for a week

perched there in the deep woods

yellow eyes staring,

 sharp talons wrapped securely

on twigs just over head –

protecting a wandering spirit

still settling in – 

Now you lie

 under a glacial stone

nourishing spring trillium.

Some days when

 I walk by

I call out your name.

Beloved.

Oh,

Nature loved us both –

(and loves me still)

  She taught us to see,

to feel her wonder.

We never questioned how.

This morning

  dark son

came through

a dream, dismissive –

superior, as always.

Pretending I didn’t exist,

he granted others

 precious parcels of earth

but left nothing for me.

For him land is money

For you and I 

Earth is Love.

 I awakened suicidal.

before illumination struck.

Patriarchal culture

 had stolen

two bodies

not just one.

All day

my head 

throbbed…

those who hate

 make us ill.

I forgot to tell you

I picked out 

two hawk feathers

 hung them in red 

on the witch hazel tree.

Two feathers, 

One prayer –

For this day

For this moment

This mourning.

 I know now

what went wrong.

The moment you

stopped running

you lost your body.

I’ve been recovering mine

since the first day

I keened your dying.

If only I had known.

We must live our lives

Embodied , 

always seeking

awareness.

When mind poisons,

Body will heal.

No psychotic break.

No drug induced delusion.

You had no leader to guide you.

Our animal bodies

 keep us tethered to Life –

to hope and joy

  to truth and pain –

Teach us

 who we really are.

You and I

are a Shining –

 One loving animal

lives on, in spite of attempted

annihilation.

 My heaped up heart

  beats a song for two.

I Love You .

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s