January 19, 2021
Suicide.
I used to
despise the word
because
I lost you.
Drowning in guilt,
Parental shame –
I couldn’t help.
Before you died
I scolded you
like our parents would.
No one was home
in me either.
Afterwards, I had no feeling
except for the night
a winter moon
shone too bright
and I turned away
from her light.
You were there
still hovering…
Needing me.
Oh,
I felt the pull but fear
held me back.
Forgive me.
I forced you
to go on alone.
My greatest life regret.
We could have said goodbye.
We loved each other so.
A lifetime has passed
since then –
For years I searched.
And even now
at 76 I long for
a young man I loved
more deeply than brother.
Kinship is forever.
You were the other half of me.
Soul mate
doesn’t capture the story.
I combed the earth
for a frog boy
who loved the forest
like we did.
Slept around for a while.
Got drunk to forget.
When the dead years
Cracked under a starry night –
one spring when frogs vaulted
across wet roads
I leapt out to save them.
And a shattered mirror
reversed itself
became whole –
in a vision
that exploded
above my head.
The pain was gone!
I took to the forest
I had abandoned
at your death.
You were there
in every tree, bee, brook
bird, rabbit,
snake and deer –
I just couldn’t see you.
And somehow it
didn’t matter,
at least for awhile.
Your beloved raptors
circled above,
called my name
as you once did –
on Winged Feet,
on Clouds of Air.
Winged Flight.
I still have the medal.
The day I finally placed
dry blue bones
in fragrant leaf wet ground
I wept tears for a lifetime
Alone –
Your namesake refused
to dig a hollow
to contain your ashes
But by then I didn’t care.
I had already prepared
a space… called in the Sacred.
I welcomed you home.
Thirty – two years spent
in a stifling parental attic
spun out of lies
passed by into oblivion.
Your hawks
kept watch for a week
perched there in the deep woods
yellow eyes staring,
sharp talons wrapped securely
on twigs just over head –
protecting a wandering spirit
still settling in –
Now you lie
under a glacial stone
nourishing spring trillium.
Some days when
I walk by
I call out your name.
Beloved.
Oh,
Nature loved us both –
(and loves me still)
She taught us to see,
to feel her wonder.
We never questioned how.
This morning
dark son
came through
a dream, dismissive –
superior, as always.
Pretending I didn’t exist,
he granted others
precious parcels of earth
but left nothing for me.
For him land is money
For you and I
Earth is Love.
I awakened suicidal.
before illumination struck.
Patriarchal culture
had stolen
two bodies
not just one.
All day
my head
throbbed…
those who hate
make us ill.
I forgot to tell you
I picked out
two hawk feathers
hung them in red
on the witch hazel tree.
Two feathers,
One prayer –
For this day
For this moment
This mourning.
I know now
what went wrong.
The moment you
stopped running
you lost your body.
I’ve been recovering mine
since the first day
I keened your dying.
If only I had known.
We must live our lives
Embodied ,
always seeking
awareness.
When mind poisons,
Body will heal.
No psychotic break.
No drug induced delusion.
You had no leader to guide you.
Our animal bodies
keep us tethered to Life –
to hope and joy
to truth and pain –
Teach us
who we really are.
You and I
are a Shining –
One loving animal
lives on, in spite of attempted
annihilation.
My heaped up heart
beats a song for two.
I Love You .
