Suicidal Illumination

January 19, 2021 



I used to

despise the word


I lost you.

Drowning in guilt,

Parental shame –

I couldn’t help.

Before you died

 I scolded you

like our parents would.

No one was home

in me either.

Afterwards, I had no feeling

except for the night

a winter moon

 shone too bright

and I turned away

from her light.

You were there

 still hovering…

Needing me.


I felt the pull but fear

held me back.

Forgive me.

I forced you

 to go on alone.

My greatest life regret.

We could have said goodbye.

We loved each other so.

A lifetime has passed

since then –

For years I searched. 

 And even now

at 76 I long for

a young man I loved

more deeply than brother.

Kinship is forever.

You were the other half of me.

 Soul mate

doesn’t capture the story.

I combed the earth

 for a frog boy

who loved the forest

like we did.

Slept around for a while.

Got drunk to forget.

When the dead years

Cracked under a starry night –

one spring when frogs vaulted

  across wet roads

I leapt out to save them.

And a shattered mirror

reversed itself

became whole –

 in a vision

  that exploded

above my head.

The pain was gone!

I took to the forest

I had abandoned

 at your death.

You were there

in every tree, bee, brook

bird, rabbit, 

snake and deer –

I just couldn’t see you.

And somehow it

 didn’t matter,

at least for awhile.

  Your beloved raptors 

 circled above,

called my name

as you once did –

on Winged Feet, 

on Clouds of Air.

 Winged Flight.

I still have the medal.

The day I finally placed

 dry blue bones

in fragrant leaf wet ground

I wept tears for a lifetime

Alone –

 Your namesake refused

to dig a hollow

to contain your ashes

But by then I didn’t care.

I had already prepared

a space… called in the Sacred.

I welcomed you home.

Thirty – two years spent

in a stifling parental attic 

spun out of lies

 passed by into oblivion.

Your hawks 

kept watch for a week

perched there in the deep woods

yellow eyes staring,

 sharp talons wrapped securely

on twigs just over head –

protecting a wandering spirit

still settling in – 

Now you lie

 under a glacial stone

nourishing spring trillium.

Some days when

 I walk by

I call out your name.



Nature loved us both –

(and loves me still)

  She taught us to see,

to feel her wonder.

We never questioned how.

This morning

  dark son

came through

a dream, dismissive –

superior, as always.

Pretending I didn’t exist,

he granted others

 precious parcels of earth

but left nothing for me.

For him land is money

For you and I 

Earth is Love.

 I awakened suicidal.

before illumination struck.

Patriarchal culture

 had stolen

two bodies

not just one.

All day

my head 


those who hate

 make us ill.

I forgot to tell you

I picked out 

two hawk feathers

 hung them in red 

on the witch hazel tree.

Two feathers, 

One prayer –

For this day

For this moment

This mourning.

 I know now

what went wrong.

The moment you

stopped running

you lost your body.

I’ve been recovering mine

since the first day

I keened your dying.

If only I had known.

We must live our lives

Embodied , 

always seeking


When mind poisons,

Body will heal.

No psychotic break.

No drug induced delusion.

You had no leader to guide you.

Our animal bodies

 keep us tethered to Life –

to hope and joy

  to truth and pain –

Teach us

 who we really are.

You and I

are a Shining –

 One loving animal

lives on, in spite of attempted


 My heaped up heart

  beats a song for two.

I Love You .

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